Dating And The Single Parent
Single Parents Match has been in the dating business since 2001, and the website is a trove of interesting user-generated blogs for single parents. Dating as a single parent comes with its own set of obstacles and challenges, and something that can be quite overwhelming is the number of online dating sites available to choose from. A recent study examining childcare and how couples divide labor, suggests that men and women have different feelings about household tasks. “It can stress the kids if there is a constant slew of dates or new relationships that never last.
Do not lie to them during this time or try to hide the fact that you’re dating. Also, be aware that young children may not understand what dating means, so you will need to explain in words they can understand. Instead, maybe this new person seems like a threat to a strong relationship with the other parent–or, on the other hand, reminds him or her of problems that exist there. It could also be the case that your moving on to a new relationship serves as a difficult reminder to your child that the old marriage or relationship is truly over. In reaction to a new partner, a child may throw fits and tantrums. The way a parent can deal with this is by listening patiently and understanding their pain.
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“Children need to grieve about the reality that their parents will never be together again. The presence of a new boyfriend or girlfriend in their parent’s life can intensify this grief for children and teens,” says Raab. “It can open up feelings of sadness and anger in some children. These are typical responses and will pass in time and with compassionate support from parents,” says Raab. Take it slow, and don’t rush into introducing them to each other.
On the other hand, dating someone who isn’t used to having kids around can be a challenge, as well. Dating is hard enough when you don’t have the responsibility of caring for a child, let alone trying to juggle both responsibilities. It takes a lot of patience and compromise to make it work.
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Inequality of attention does not signify inequality of love. So what resolution should the single parent seek? One is making a compromise about attention and the second is making a distinction about love.
Total focus on a dating companion can deny children of needed parental attention, cause actual neglect, and foster feelings in children of emotional abandonment. One outcome of this conflict can be an honest ambivalence. Sometimes the single parent can feel like having children is a mixed blessing when their needs or demands make it difficult or impossible to cultivate a serious adult relationship.
You’ll plan a special outing and—boom—someone gets sick. Or you’ll have a long day and just want to unwind, only to find the kids ramped up and rowdy. Dating someone with kids has its perks, but it also has its challenges, all of which require careful consideration, especially for first-timers. If this reality gives you pause, it’ll be important for you to consider whether you’re ready, willing, and able to embrace all that comes with dating into a family. But you also need—and here’s where single parents fall short—a silhouette of the type of family you are hoping to create.
I’ve had some people tell me I was “selfish” and “unreasonable” to refuse to date someone based on parenthood status alone. Some people said that I was a downright horrible person for this decision. Dating a single mom or dad isn’t right for everyone. From myself I can add that the most important thing is to try.
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper blacksexmatch.com Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. If your partner and your kids don’t mesh, it might not work out. Children might take some time to adjust, and older kids often have feelings of anger or resentment toward a new partner.
Stock broker Aditya Khandelwal couldn’t agree more. When his wife passed away after a long-battle with cancer, he was left to take care of their 15-year-old daughter. For a few years, it never occurred to him that he could find romance again. Running parallel to this was also his own daughter’s coming of age and dating scenarios.
Single parents have it hard enough in their roles as primary caregivers. To add dating to this situation can be undoubtedly complicated but can also be incredibly rewarding if one manages to strike that precarious balance between being parents and being themselves. Unfortunately, in many cases, it really is mutually exclusive. You are a superhero – one that deserves recognition, respect and appreciation for the hard work you put in every day.
While I don’t see anything wrong with a stay at home mom, apparently most do. Being type A, these opinions bothered me for quite awhile. I worked hard, emotionally, to stop caring about these opinions. Yet every once in awhile, a comment can still nail me. The majority of the time, I’m proud of my path, but it’s lonely being the only person who truly gets it. This may be because death, unlike divorce or out-of-wedlock childbearing, is more likely to be a random event, not connected to the attributes or temperaments of the parents.
If you are lucky enough to find someone who you truly care about, be open to sharing your life with them. You need to slowly let them learn about your children. Invite them to spend time in your home and relax. It’s so hard to relax when you feel someone is judging your children and your home, but you have to remember this person wants to be here. And, the reality is, if the person cannot handle sitting through a meal with your child flapping or beeping or bouncing, this is not the person for you. Of course, you will be nervous, but try to remember this person is willingly coming to your “circus.” They may not know what to expect, but that’s OK!
One of the most common single parenthood issues is a lack of finances. There’s nothing to rush when entering a relationship and kids are involved. Give you and your partner time to figure out what you want and whether you can realistically make a relationship work. If the potential to merge your families might exist in the future, think about what that may be like for you, your partner, and your kids. If merging both of your families is unrealistic, cautiously consider if you will move forward in the relationship.
